ashunga:

Warts

My girlfriend and I met on OKcupid, she was pretty much a sorry case like me but we were inseparable.  We would go out for long walks and I was constantly amazed that she would be interested in such a huge, dumb looking guy like me.  I was about six foot five and had a scraggly beard with a giant beer gut which I accrued during a college career in which my “dry spell” felt like it would be permanent.

In the morning I would wake up with a terrible hangover and walk around the house looking at all of the beer cans chanting “I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life” in a monotone growl.  In this state I would pull myself together enough to get on the train and go to class.  The tiny black kids around me would call me “shrek” because I always wore a green hoodie, so I started wearing a purple one and they started calling me “grimace.”  I started to really fucking hate children’s television at this point.  Okay, I’ll admit it, one time I almost turned around and screamed “Niggers,”  but I never did.  I’m a rational guy and that would just be wrong.

I became fascinated with skin diseases and lesions caused by them while working as a dermatologist’s assistant.  Really, they started to look like alien worlds.  The craters and dry skin started to look like places you’d see on Mars due to the erosion.  Flakes of skin started to look like snow.  Surely this was all a coping device to avoid the disturbing atmosphere of my profession and my existence.  But the economy was terrible and there was no way in hell I would go back to working as a lab tech, when all they had to offer me was the night shift.

I started making these enormous collages out of the skin lesion photographs that I collected from work.  A lot of weird guys from Europe started to get into it.  Some death metal band asked me if I could do their album art for them so I asked them for 200$.  That band actually turned out to be some big deal called “Tool” in the 90’s.  I have no idea what’s cool these days.

Anyway the exposure was good so I got a huge list of offers after that, I started doing faces of women and children out of infected, warty skin and a bunch of goth/metal people were all about it.  Personally I don’t even listen to music, I just play videogames like Zelda or Banjo Kazooie on nintendo 64.  New games suck.

One day my girlfriend said there was some kind of rash on the back of her neck, I lifted up her hair and said, “Oh honey, that’s just Acanthosis Nigricans.”  I gave it a kiss and she yelped out of fear.  “It’s not contagious.  You just have to lower your glucose intake.”

i dont think people know that my friend clark is a hella good photopicturetakergrapher

hey yall, heres a list of the best tumblrs i follow (image dumps excluded) for those of you who are on this shit click and ‘follow’, if you arent its about time you get one just so you can have a dashboard page to see all the updates in one convenient spot… without further adieu…

lobsterlegends.tumblr.com - most of the time insanely hot chicks are really cranky and have bad breath and are rarely more talented than they are attractive. nichole is one of the few cases which disprove this entirely. photography.

theperfectpopsong.tumblr.com - kevin hayes is the exboyfriend of the aforementioned insanely hot chick, and they are each others only competition for best new amateur photographer. fuck it, its true. but yeah, kevins photos are some of my favorite pictures ever taken, even if i didnt know him. a diner, a pallate of steak sauce, an obese woman’s naked thighs and skidmarks trapped inbetween.

sprinklessparklesandkankles.tumblr.com - the most unbelievable found photo forum, unbelievable because they are all found by ONE person, and they are so sincerely stunning.. following this blog is the only place where you will be able to view these, as well as reading stories written in response to them and some other crap from the author that rules

proofmathisbeautiful.tumblr.com - SCIENCE, BITCH! just add this and get educated against your will throughout the day.

snakebomb.tumblr.com - i dont even remember adding this person.

hamburgereyes.tumblr.com - hamburger eyes got a tumblr!

fuckyeahladygaga.tumblr.com - …

more to be added latr