¶ vacuum

isnt our political reaction to the oil burst proof that democracy is a fucking fail and that capitalism superscedes ourselves? its the fucking borg. ya got obama pussyfootin around on the shores talking about ‘geez i hope someone does something and i dont get in trouble with anyone either’, and anyone that could do something about it (BP, other oil corporations, sean connery, etc) is primarily concerned with what it would cost, and how to mostly stop any revenue from being lost, or how to recoup it. is that fucking bonkers that we are so deeply hardwired to the abstraction of currency that we cant do anything about what is right there in front of us, which will probably cause irreparable global scarring, shit, its saving your life too, or is everyone up there so month to month week to week that three years is still a long time to amuse ourselves until the tides rise above ports and coastal cities.

its like if we had some other societal abstraction that told us ‘picking something off the floor in front of anyone is profane’ and a woman dropped her baby on the bus, cracking its weird baby head (that semi skull thing) and everyone is staring at her and the baby so she cant pick it up as long as someone is looking at her and it dies. just dies. not that cleaning oil is profane, but its still letting something invisible and retarded stop you from doing it, not even actual cash anymore but credit, a digital number in a bank account that is further divided into stocks and more or less only proofed in quarterly reports, its all fake in files! theres not more than 500 dollars in the US per citizen in cash (that has nothing to do with this) but it is funny they arent even concerned anymore with these little “treasury certificates” nevermind money blows my mind sometimes but the point is: world is REALLY dying down there and we are telling ourselves something make believe is whats stopping us from patching it up. might as well say ‘i cant collect enough unicorns if i fix it!’

and dont even go with they cant figure out a solution because this problem aint nothing a 2 year physics student couldnt figure out in their head over the dinner table. to patch it is simple to try to drink out of an exploding soda can aint.

after years of accepting the fact that he was fucking married and there was nothing to be done, the first line of louis cks new show is “So im 41 now, and im single..”

that means i need to find out where he lives and do him!!!!!!

(which i guess i could have done instead of posting this)

SayMayDay.com

suspending most mornings unconcious, sleeping in til 2, 3, not yet 4 but i wouldnt put it past me. tossing and turning in the quote-unquote morning not able to decide between ‘just friends’ and ‘explosions gone wrong’. hallelujiah, basic cable. hosannah in the highest. remember last summer, and i was posted in sd, lolling on the balcony, unaware of what to expect, the nice stun, and then what, 8 months of lets call it ‘shoulda-known-better’ that only felt like a month, like the ten hour dream they tell you was only twenty minutes (and some say 2) but in reverse? my whole 2010 thus far has been waking from a series of dreams, sweet and deep but in realitaye everytime i wake up i smile and fall back but when the sleep is over and its time to get up, all you can dig up was the times you briefly shot up to look at the clock. well, sir, i know 930, 1027, and 1145 passed, but now its late in the day, and though your mind waxed like some symphonie fantastique, and you want to harbor it because you rarely have something so very yours, it means nothing to nobody. and even the retelling is strained, and the punch line never comes.

lots of numbers in this, why.

so if im not on rght knee and lft thigh changing tv channels cos i dont think there was ever a time we had a remote for this tv in my room im at The Studio, maybe painting, maybe sewing, mostly staring into space and willing new songs to come on shuffle. cigarette breaks and liquor store trips are less like ‘frequent’; excessive. ok ok im done with the grumble part, because y’all say, im the most negative person you’ve ever met, which might be true of kevin too, but he knows jews, but he had something slightly brighter and constructive to say.. see (LAST HONEST INTERVIEW ON EARTH) Kevin Hayes on SayMayDay the interview is good as fuck, kevin to a T, mannerisms and all. you know why people keep me around right? everyone i know is going to be famous if they werent already when i met them

so, the good knews, besides the fact theres a romcom on i hadnt heard of called ‘get over it’ staring the kid from flash forward, kirsten dunst and martin short. i can dig it. iiiii am gonna be in a show, an autism benefit, with STREET ART!!!! (barf in your sneakers babies) featured in this thing, es the fucking totems of filipinos with oversized headphones, and white guys that like asian chicks everywhere, shepard fairy, banksy, invader and then a series of names like KWEST and ARMEN or TASH and shit whatever one syllable spellings that havent been taken yet with convenient to paint letters. wow, maybe i am a bitch, but when i fucking submitted my shit, the guy writes back with ‘tres urban!’ and it was not funny. not funny, i can see the sandals crossed at the ankle and khakis bunched at the crotch under the glass desk from ikea and costco swivel chair. wait wait im supposed to be positivo. this is the first legit show ive been in. like theres walls and i think about it before hand and put something on them. ive fucked up galleries or someone did something in my honor with something i had made. but it wasnt rilly a thing where id be like yo im gonna be in this show, plz come. except for this one im gonna say, dont. unless you dont know me. show falls in line with the world famous gathering comiccon, so if you go and expect anything from me as a human i will not be able to pay attention.

When were you happiest?

A few times when I looked forward to a happy moment or remembered it - never when it was happening.

What is your greatest fear?

To awaken after death - that’s why I want to be burned immediately.

What is your earliest memory?

My mother naked. Disgusting.

Which living person do you most admire, and why?

Jean-Bertrand Aristide, the twice-deposed president of Haiti. He is a model of what can be done for the people even in a desperate situation.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Indifference to the plights of others.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Their sleazy readiness to offer me help when I don’t need or want it.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

Standing naked in front of a woman before making love.

Aside from a property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought?

The new German edition of the collected works of Hegel.

What is your most treasured possession?

See the previous answer.

What makes you depressed?

Seeing stupid people happy.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

That it makes me appear the way I really am.

What is your most unappealing habit?

The ridiculously excessive tics of my hands while I talk.

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?

A mask of myself on my face, so people would think I am not myself but someone pretending to be me.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?

Watching embarrassingly pathetic movies such as The Sound Of Music.

What do you owe your parents?

Nothing, I hope. I didn’t spend a minute bemoaning their death.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?

To my sons, for not being a good enough father.

What does love feel like?

Like a great misfortune, a monstrous parasite, a permanent state of emergency that ruins all small pleasures.

What or who is the love of your life?

Philosophy. I secretly think reality exists so we can speculate about it.

What is your favourite smell?

Nature in decay, like rotten trees.

Have you ever said ‘I love you’ and not meant it?

All the time. When I really love someone, I can only show it by making aggressive and bad-taste remarks.

Which living person do you most despise, and why?

Medical doctors who assist torturers.

What is the worst job you’ve done?

Teaching. I hate students, they are (as all people) mostly stupid and boring.

What has been your biggest disappointment?

What Alain Badiou calls the ‘obscure disaster’ of the 20th century: the catastrophic failure of communism.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?

My birth. I agree with Sophocles: the greatest luck is not to have been born - but, as the joke goes on, very few people succeed in it.

If you could go back in time, where would you go?

To Germany in the early 19th century, to follow a university course by Hegel.

How do you relax?

Listening again and again to Wagner.

How often do you have sex?

It depends what one means by sex. If it’s the usual masturbation with a living partner, I try not to have it at all.

What is the closest you’ve come to death?

When I had a mild heart attack. I started to hate my body: it refused to do its duty to serve me blindly.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?

To avoid senility.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

The chapters where I develop what I think is a good interpretation of Hegel.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

That life is a stupid, meaningless thing that has nothing to teach you.

Tell us a secret.

Communism will win.